I have to be honest because that is what I promised myself I would do when I started this blog. I am having a very hard time dealing with Janice’s passing. It just seems so unfair. This week was her wake and funeral and I had a hard time saying goodbye.
When I was first diagnosed, my doctor suggested that I join a support group for stage 4 breast cancer patients. I told John that I couldn’t do this for two reasons. The first being that I would be the youngest person in the group (probably by quite a few years). I felt I wouldn’t have the same problems that these women would have. The second reason was that I didn’t want to get to know people that were eventually going to die. I felt I couldn’t deal with the pain and tears. I didn’t want to think about my own mortality all the time while watching others suffer and pass away.
Then Janice came into my life and she was my support group. I never had to explain anything to her. When I went through chemo, I didn’t have to explain the pain, nausea, or fatigue she already knew. When I lost my hair I didn’t have to explain how people treated you or looked at you, she already knew. When I had surgery I didn’t have to explain the pain, the annoying drains, or the loss, she knew. When I went through radiation, I didn’t have to explain the fatigue, she knew. And when my cancer returned, I didn’t have to explain the fear, she knew. And each time she knew exactly what to say. And now when I need to hear her words of wisdom on how to deal with this or hear her laugh, it is silent.
So needless to say this week has been very hard. There hasn’t been a lot of laughter in our house. I find myself breaking down and crying for the smallest reasons. So you are probably wondering why I have titled this post “A Ray of Sunshine.” My niece had a birthday party this week at Bounce U. For those who don’t know, that is a place that has lots of different bounce houses, inflatable obstacle courses, and inflatable slides. Kaylee was having a ball! She loves jumping in those bounce houses. She however fell in love with one of the inflatable slides. The slide was really high and it took quite a while for her to climb the stairs. The first time she went down she looked terrified! But at the end of the slide she was all smiles. Each time she went down the slide she would laugh. Her smile warmed my heart and I felt the sun coming out again. It was just what I needed. I felt for the first time that it was okay to laugh and smile. That it was okay to carry on with my life and keep fighting!