A Ray of Sunshine

I have to be honest because that is what I promised myself I would do when I started this blog. I am having a very hard time dealing with Janice’s passing. It just seems so unfair. This week was her wake and funeral and I had a hard time saying goodbye.

When I was first diagnosed, my doctor suggested that I join a support group for stage 4 breast cancer patients. I told John that I couldn’t do this for two reasons. The first being that I would be the youngest person in the group (probably by quite a few years). I felt I wouldn’t have the same problems that these women would have. The second reason was that I didn’t want to get to know people that were eventually going to die. I felt I couldn’t deal with the pain and tears. I didn’t want to think about my own mortality all the time while watching others suffer and pass away.

Then Janice came into my life and she was my support group. I never had to explain anything to her. When I went through chemo, I didn’t have to explain the pain, nausea, or fatigue she already knew. When I lost my hair I didn’t have to explain how people treated you or looked at you, she already knew. When I had surgery I didn’t have to explain the pain, the annoying drains, or the loss, she knew. When I went through radiation, I didn’t have to explain the fatigue, she knew. And when my cancer returned, I didn’t have to explain the fear, she knew. And each time she knew exactly what to say. And now when I need to hear her words of wisdom on how to deal with this or hear her laugh, it is silent.

So needless to say this week has been very hard. There hasn’t been a lot of laughter in our house. I find myself breaking down and crying for the smallest reasons. So you are probably wondering why I have titled this post “A Ray of Sunshine.” My niece had a birthday party this week at Bounce U. For those who don’t know, that is a place that has lots of different bounce houses, inflatable obstacle courses, and inflatable slides. Kaylee was having a ball! She loves jumping in those bounce houses. She however fell in love with one of the inflatable slides. The slide was really high and it took quite a while for her to climb the stairs. The first time she went down she looked terrified! But at the end of the slide she was all smiles. Each time she went down the slide she would laugh. Her smile warmed my heart and I felt the sun coming out again. It was just what I needed. I felt for the first time that it was okay to laugh and smile. That it was okay to carry on with my life and keep fighting!

 

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7 thoughts on “A Ray of Sunshine

  1. God’s mercies are new every morning! Great is His faithfulness. Joy comes in the morning.
    We love you and are praying for lots of rays of sunshine.
    Love,
    Aunt Kim and Uncle Dave

  2. Dear, Sweet Michelle, today’s blog is so touching. I grieve with you for your loss of a very close friend and I rejoice with you for the ray(s) of sunshine. Shelly, those are rays of sunshine from a God who loves you infinitely and who cradles you in His arms. Keep looking to Him and we will keep storming the gates of heaven on your behalf.

  3. Dear Michelle, Jesus knows that you are a very special person. You are a very special person to me as well. Your blogs have given me strength and courage, and I was able to know what to expect. Your experiences meant more to me than unfamiliar blogs. Janice gave you strength and courage. I know that we must rely on Jesus first, but He puts people into our lives for a reason which we won’t totally understand until Heaven. I go back and reread your blogs as you were going through the process. They are so informative. My heart aches for you and what you are going through again. You are truly my Ray of Sunshine! Tomorrow is my 3rd radiation treatment out of 30. I am not afraid because of you. I hope this makes sense to you.

    • Jonnie, I am so glad you are doing good. I think about you often and pray for you. I hope radiation is going good as well. At first I didn’t think it was that hard but as I got further along the fatigue set in. I think the hardest part is just having to go each day. That in itself wore me out. Don’t forget to use as much moisturizer as possible!!! My doctor gave me lots of samples.

      Praying for you! Michelle

      ________________________________

  4. Dear Shelly. I’m so thankful for your ray of sunshine. God sends something to encourage you just at the right moment. Your courage shines through and encourages others that need it. Your ray of sunshine is passed on to others. You are loved and are very special to God.
    I love you and pray that you will have many more rays of sunshine.

  5. Dear Michelle, well it is 4 am and i cant sleep I spoke with John on saturday night on the way home from celebrating my sister pams big 50 .He had told me you had posted again so I wanted to check it out,You know I had thought alot of what i wanted to write on here but I Started crying after going back and following what you have written .I miss Janice so much ,her touch her smile her laugh ,its funny we both said about a month ago we could both finish each others sentences now .Thank you both for coming to the wake and funeral and also for John driving over to the hospital on Saturday night ,we didnt talk much we didnt need to he was just there for me and i greatly appreciated it.I know Jan was smiling down on us last thursday it was a very special day in her honor .I WILL be in touch with you both im here for the both of you!!

  6. Michelle, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your good friend, anytime you lose someone you know it is hard to accept. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and that God has put 3 little sunshines in your life to help you and give you the strength to fight. You know if you need anything you can call.

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